Went to see the Vagina Monologues last night on Roanoke Island. Tickets were free. They were serving wine. Jen's daughter was at the circus with her aunt, Joni agreed to watch Olivia for a couple of hours. I wore all black - completely unaware that was some sort of theme. Walked in and immediately felt uncomfortable. Didn't even want to stay once we got our first glasses of wine, found our seats and opened the programs. I even said it out loud, "I feel like a victim sitting here." The women walking around with such strident purpose bothered me. Jen and I agreed we'd bail at intermission.
By the time the first act closed, I was crying. We didn't leave at intermission. In fact, we took pictures of ourselves having a good time. We stayed for the whole thing and laughed our asses off at some of what we heard. I think what I uncovered in myself is that even though it's been a long time since I've been victimized, I'm still ashamed. That's why I felt so uncomfortable when I walked in . . . . around all of those women willing to talk about it so openly. I thought I had dealt with the shame - I really, really did. But perhaps it's one of those things that you always have to make a conscious effort not to 'live in'.
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